Another crazy year!

crazy-829178_960_720So Christmas 2016 is around the corner and I am just guffawing at how quickly time is melting away. I am constantly looking at my “babies” (and I am using that term loosely since they are now 3 and 5) and wondering “What the heck happened?”

There is no end to my disbelief that time could possibly move that fast. It needs to SLOW DOWN. Seriously.

My baby, who I feel I just had and brought home yesterday is almost one year old! What?! I’m so saddened yet secretly relieved that he made it this far with his two crazy older sisters jabbing, kicking, poking and kissing the heck out of him!

This year was like so many before it, CRAZY! Is it me or do things get more insane each year you get older?

Let’s see, this year alone I sold my business, almost lost my mom, raised thousands of dollars to save my mom, helped two close friends through some tough times, reconnected with family that I didn’t know before, survived three grueling months of sickness that was passed back and forth between the members of my family, contracted some form of illness that gives me constant and intense bone pain throughout my entire body and I got rammed in the back of my SUV with all my kids in the car. And it is only the beginning of October- OY VEY!

I am grateful and so thankful to God that nothing really bad happened this year. Even though I keep waiting for something really bad to happen- there is, sadly, an ever-present sense of foreboding and doom that resides deep within my soul. I have to intentionally wake up each morning and suppress it like a dormant demon that is inflaming me and trying to steal my joy.

Talking about joy- I have more joy in my life than I can wish for. My children and husband, my family and friends. My brother and sister. My in-laws and nieces and nephews. I am so blessed with such amazing and lovely people in my life that I seldom fear the demons within. But there is one remaining phase in my life, I neither wish to face nor desire to imagine… leaving my children to return to work.

It is very difficult for me to acknowledge this but some days, like all other moms, I have a deep and seated desire to wake up, put make-up on and leave the house to go to a place where I can make money and talk to other adults about stuff other than poopy diapers, dirty dishes and the endless nagging of a threenager. Then almost immediately afterwards, I am plagued with intense guilt combined with profound sadness. I feel like I am giving up on my babies who are growing up too fast (hence the initial part of this post) and I am abandoning them in favour of adult conversation and income stability. I loathe the decision to return to work and I envy the ladies who can afford to stay home with their children but I know in my heart that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home-mommy. I really don’t like house chores and I am quite tired of my kids by the time noon hits. If I am being very truthful, I look forward to missing them a bit – is that awful to admit?

We were looking at the childcare options available to us and we decided to go with a nanny. With three children (2 full-time and 1 part-time) this was our only option. The nanny will apparently help keep the house tidy and clean as well as  take care of my children. We interviewed many people and met many nice ladies in the process. We perfected our questions and made a decision. I will not jinx it yet because it is not confirmed but I do hope she accepts our offer.

I am not sure why I even wrote this post. I just needed to let it be known that I am going back to work and maybe seek validation from other moms who were in my shoes?

If you are that mommy- talk to me and tell me I am not insane and heartless because of my sporadic and intermittent fluctuations of wanting to play grown-up after my maternity leave is up some days and my intensely deep and mourning-like days of loss and pain for the future of my children without me for 9 hours a day.

Talk to me!

SMartignani

 

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Be Still…

I find myself distanced from old friends, parties, gatherings and events. I don’t know why. I can’t explain my need to just be home and spend time with my family. I can’t fathom why I am tired all the time and why I’m always up for a long nap when I can get one.

My life is undoubtedly busy. I work full-time; own a business and I volunteer at my church. I am an avid reader, writer and I will start attending a kickboxing class soon to stay in shape and be healthy. Between all those commitments and activities, I find myself lost in a sea of ‘chaotic’ and ‘endless’ activities. When do people have time to be good to themselves, good to their spouses, good to their children AND good friends? Am I missing a portion of the formula? Where can I find the answer to this conundrum?

I am truly blessed with family and friends. But lately, I feel like I just want to be alone. I am not sure why. I just want to play with my baby girl, spend time with my husband then go to bed. If you knew me before I became a mom, I was a social butterfly. I thrived on being around people and my life consisted of the next party/gathering/event. I fed off others’ energy and I made a point of attending each and every event I was invited to because I didn’t want to ‘miss’ anything! I actually enjoyed making my rounds and making sure that I am one who will never be forgotten. Now though…not so much.

I would actually prefer to melt into the background and just observe what is going on around me. I still enjoy being around people so you can scratch depression off the list; I just don’t feel as engaged in everything. I just returned from a 5 day business trip away from my family and I all I wanted to do was get on the playroom floor with my daughter and see her smile at me as she shows me all her new moves and all the things she’d learned in the past week! I am glad to be back but October seems already packed with events to attend.

Between Thanksgiving, my mom’s birthday, three friend’s birthdays, my own birthday, my wedding anniversary, and Halloween; I am feeling a tad overwhelmed. We have commitments everywhere and all the time and I suddenly feel a little pressed for time and a lot empty on energy. It is also a challenge to find someone who can watch our baby girl. We don’t want to put the grandma’s out and use them left, right and centre. They do have their own life too. So it is definitely getting tricky! I need to navigate carefully because I care about all the people and all the events that result in our invitations but I also need to balance my life because I feel like it is spinning out of control.

I am not sure if it is the time of year or the ever growing need for my attention from my baby girl, but I think I need a break of some sort. I am not certain about all the changes taking place in our lives and I feel a little unstable. However, leaves are changing colours and falling to the ground to make way for snow and frost on the tree branches. With every season comes the constant need to ‘fall’ and ‘renew’. With my family by my side, I am always ready for change but sometimes I wish that everything can just pause for a while so I can just enjoy the stillness…

Smartignani

Stop the madness!

I blinked and before you know it my little baby is turning ONE! What?! Whoa!

And…and…and…I am back to work full-time while she gets dropped off by daddy to daycare- I know right. INSANE!

We also took off for 11 days to Europe and left here with family (see earlier blog for context). How was it you ask? AWFUL!

Ok. I really loved being with my hubby and I love Europe but the constant feeling of melancholy and sadness stemming from missing her was unbearable. Half way through the cruise I felt a sudden and strange urge to abandon ship and swim across the Mediterranean to the sandy, polluted shores of Lake Ontario just to see and hold my baby girl. It was INSANE how much I missed her. I missed her scent, her voice, her expressions, her movements, her eyes, her smile, her drool, her farts and even poopy diapers. I missed it all. I kept texting home to see if she learned to walk or talk or giggle or stand unassisted. I was like a mad woman and it must have seemed to my family as if I don’t trust them but in truth, I was just feeling God awful for leaving. So how was my trip? How about you answer that!

I got back and I imagined a reunion with Chariot of fire playing in the background, slow mo running towards each other (well she crawls, I run) and she is finally saying “mama” and meaning me (she calls everything mama some days). Reality: She was napping. I waited by her crib. She opened her eyes. Smiled and tried to go back to sleep. I carried her out of the crib and kissed her until she started screaming. My husband gave her hugs and kisses as well. We go downstairs and I could swear she crawled from me to him and back almost 50 times. Laughing each way. It was better than I imagined. Magical. Almost made me want to leave her again just to relive it- almost but not quite!

Back to the madness happening right now. She still only has two teeth. It’s almost like she just got lazy and decided two were enough. She speed crawls as if she’s in an Olympic event except my daughter likes to produce extremely unfeminine grunting noises as she moves. So attractive. She also says uh-oh like it’s nobody’s business. She drops something “Uh-oh”, she is about to drop something “uh-oh”, she loses a toy “uh-oh”, she looks at her daddy’s laptop and “uh-oh”. The other day she fell over as she was trying to stand and… you guessed it- “Uh-oh”. So cute! I love it.

I am missing out on her development because I went back to work and I hate it. My husband wakes up in the morning and feeds her breakfast then takes her to daycare. He wrote me an e-mail telling me that she learned to no uh-uh (no) through pursed lips when he tried to feed her an unfavourable cereal. That made me laugh and cry. I laughed because I could just see her trying to push daddy’s buttons and I cried because I wasn’t there taking 15 million photos and a video as well. I know that going back to work was a necessary decision and that most likely I will try for another child and go on mat leave again but this sucks.

High points: I enjoy waking up in the morning and wearing my grown-up clothes with real accessories and dangly earrings and everything! I even wear perfume and heels! Dude…how cool is that?

Low point: I really envy the daycare provider for Julia because she gets to do the full-time job I desperately vie for!

So the verdict: live another day ad enjoy the remaining hours of the day with my baby girl after I pick her up from daycare. Two points here: one, I LOVE the smile on her face when she sees me and two, she makes it so much fun to leave work because I really look forward to picking her up.

I love my co-workers and they have been so sweet and caring. They each sense my struggle to be back at work. They ask if I am ok and they ask me about Julia. It’s like I’m a recovering addict and they’re trying to support me in quitting the habit. I guess in a way I am addicted to her. I am just glad that she is content and well-cared for while I contribute to society!

Next blog– a one year old’s birthday party (dream or disaster) STAY TUNED!

By the way, Nice in France- GORGEOUS! I really hope we go there again one day to vacation and not just as a port of call!

Good night,

SMartignani

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