Be Still…

I find myself distanced from old friends, parties, gatherings and events. I don’t know why. I can’t explain my need to just be home and spend time with my family. I can’t fathom why I am tired all the time and why I’m always up for a long nap when I can get one.

My life is undoubtedly busy. I work full-time; own a business and I volunteer at my church. I am an avid reader, writer and I will start attending a kickboxing class soon to stay in shape and be healthy. Between all those commitments and activities, I find myself lost in a sea of ‘chaotic’ and ‘endless’ activities. When do people have time to be good to themselves, good to their spouses, good to their children AND good friends? Am I missing a portion of the formula? Where can I find the answer to this conundrum?

I am truly blessed with family and friends. But lately, I feel like I just want to be alone. I am not sure why. I just want to play with my baby girl, spend time with my husband then go to bed. If you knew me before I became a mom, I was a social butterfly. I thrived on being around people and my life consisted of the next party/gathering/event. I fed off others’ energy and I made a point of attending each and every event I was invited to because I didn’t want to ‘miss’ anything! I actually enjoyed making my rounds and making sure that I am one who will never be forgotten. Now though…not so much.

I would actually prefer to melt into the background and just observe what is going on around me. I still enjoy being around people so you can scratch depression off the list; I just don’t feel as engaged in everything. I just returned from a 5 day business trip away from my family and I all I wanted to do was get on the playroom floor with my daughter and see her smile at me as she shows me all her new moves and all the things she’d learned in the past week! I am glad to be back but October seems already packed with events to attend.

Between Thanksgiving, my mom’s birthday, three friend’s birthdays, my own birthday, my wedding anniversary, and Halloween; I am feeling a tad overwhelmed. We have commitments everywhere and all the time and I suddenly feel a little pressed for time and a lot empty on energy. It is also a challenge to find someone who can watch our baby girl. We don’t want to put the grandma’s out and use them left, right and centre. They do have their own life too. So it is definitely getting tricky! I need to navigate carefully because I care about all the people and all the events that result in our invitations but I also need to balance my life because I feel like it is spinning out of control.

I am not sure if it is the time of year or the ever growing need for my attention from my baby girl, but I think I need a break of some sort. I am not certain about all the changes taking place in our lives and I feel a little unstable. However, leaves are changing colours and falling to the ground to make way for snow and frost on the tree branches. With every season comes the constant need to ‘fall’ and ‘renew’. With my family by my side, I am always ready for change but sometimes I wish that everything can just pause for a while so I can just enjoy the stillness…

Smartignani

One year Birthday Party- Dream AND Disaster!

 

Picture this:

About 45 people standing/sitting/slouching/leaning around three rooms including the kitchen. The buzz of conversation is so loud and it echoes off my hardwood floors. Half the side is Italian and the other half/third is Egyptian with a sprinkle of French, Canadian and Other. The matriarchs and my father-in-law have ceased the oven and are avidly heating beautifully prepared dishes. There is Cannelloni alongside the Goulash and cake alongside the Baklava. The crowd is friendly and all the while, the object and reason for their gathering is skillfully crawling between their unsuspecting limbs. My baby might only be turning one but this fete reviled the Film Festival in both fun and decor. With a theme like Dr. Seuss, really, how can you go wrong?

There were decals on the walls and cool looking balloons floating around. There was delicious fare (as mentioned earlier) and a Keurig that boasted an array of flavoured coffees and teas. This was a time to be jovial, a time to sing, a time for me to record all with my camera so I can prove my superior capacity as an attentive and wonderful parent!

That party was supposed to be over at 4 pm (started at noon) so that my next party for friends and their children can start at 5 pm. However, the last person from party one left at 5 pm and the first couple from party two arrived promptly at 5 pm. Thank goodness, upon the insistence of my all-knowing and always-right mother, we had cleared the remains of the earlier feast and set the table for the next party with a host of new appetizers, re-heated home-made platters and succulent finger-foods. We were ready to receive our new batch of guests.

My baby had decided to abandon ship at 1:30 and didn’t wake again until 3:00 which helped because I needed to attend to the unending stream of questions, requests and concerns as I tried to serve out my sentence, ahem, I mean act as a gracious hostess!

At 5, I decided it was time to feed my daughter linner (lunch and dinner together) because she needed to eat apparently and I may have forgotten to feed her in the crazy frenzy. She was happy and content with the lull and quiet for 15 minutes until more friends arrived with their offspring. The sheer number of kids ranging from the age of 0 (less than a year old) to nine years of age had me wishing for the earlier party with the boisterous and loving Italian/Egyptian family members.

There were screeches, yelps, whining, crying, screaming, yelling, banging and some other unidentifiable, somewhat inhuman sounds coming out of the playroom. My friends are amazing and I love them and they were always watching out for their kids but boy, it was more than evident that I NEEDED to get carpets installed to block some of the reverberating sounds. Conversations were also loudly held but everyone seemed to be having a great time. There was enough food, change tables, diapers, Band-Aids, cupcakes and toys for everyone to enjoy. Gone were the days where I needed to only worry about set-up then I can have a glass of wine or a cocktail. I realized I needed to be constantly on my toes because of the number of crawling babies in the area. So literally, on my toes.

The last small group of friends left at 10:30 and my baby was still up because God forbids she misses ANY of the action! We said our goodbyes and once the house was empty, I gave her a bottle and I am not kidding when I tell you she was asleep as soon as she began sucking on the latex nipple. She was gone within seconds and I don’t mean lightly dozing, I mean- SNAP- gone! Deep asleep, snoring- gone. It was actually quite funny to watch.

It took the hubby and me two hours to clean the house and then it was time for bed at 12:30 am. It was an exhausting and exhilarating experience but would I ever do it again?

Absolutely. Not. Never. Ever.

That’s what Chuck ‘E’ Cheeses and grandparents are for.

Enough said.

Smartignani

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