08 Sep 2022
by smartignani
in Uncategorized
Tags: Babies, childhood development, children, covid19, Family, Fear, Grow, kids, learn, life, mother, motherhood, pandemic, Parenting, parents
Hey.
It’s been a while.
More motherhood adventures ahead, but first, some fears.
It’s been two excruciating years filled with fears, anxieties, irrational and illogical conundrums and many, many, many “huh?” moments.
I am speaking, of course, about the Covid 19 pandemic. Do you every just sit there and say “What WAS that?”
Was it a reset? A wake up call? A chance for families to explore whether or not they enjoy each others’ company all day, every day without the interruption of anything?
Was it a mental wellness check or a mental illness-incitation?
I don’t know the answer to any of these queries but I do one thing… the IMPACT.
Wow.
It was agregiously anxiety-inducing and incredibly detrimental to youth and children’s mental health.
The stories that are shared with me and the amount of people reaching out to me to share their stories is harrowing and depressing. This pandemic, along with the lockdowns and the divisiveness that the vaccinations caused were impossibly dualistic, hyporcritical and disheartening to the very fibers of our world and our communities, let alone our young, impressionable generation of growing minds and souls.
I have to say this and I am not sure if I will be getting a backlash, but we need to focus less on divisive topics that centre around children’s self-image and place our attention instead on creating an environment where children are celebrated, encouraged, empowered and enriched. A world that disempowers disabilities and differences and instead focuses deliberately on our similiraties and shared values.
A fertile ground for creative genius, healthy debates, respectful discussions, emotional awareness, mental health education and REHABILITATION.
Our kids survived the last two years but they are not unscathed. They are brutally affected.
This was evident in an excercise we did with our students in grades 4-8 last year that challenged them to think of the three types of possible futures (cyber punk, steam punk and solar punk). Instead of exploring different variables of what he future could look like… there were panic attacks, tears, screams, attempts at escape and violent reactions ranging from hopelessness and despair to a complete nervous breakdowns. Students were rushing to the washroom to cry and they were all asking “What’s the point? We are all going to die!”
“What’s the point?”
“We are all going to die!”
Verbatim.
Yeah. So that happened. We had to get a psychotherapist in the school to provide therapy and meditation excercises for our children and youth. My heart still remembers the angst, anguish and unimaginable, intensity of the heightened emotions in the space. It was one of the saddest scenes I have ever witnessed.
Today, we are better. Our students are back to normal and trying to relearn to relate to one another and regain their hopes.
Today we are trying to live without fear again.
Dream again.
Believe again.
We are trying to reestablish trust in our future. Raise and inspire future leaders.
Oh hey, cancel culture, let’s cancel fear. There’s an idea.
Smartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
26 Oct 2018
by smartignani
in Anxiety, Babies, Changes, Childhood Sickness, Children, Depression, Development, Disease, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, Fear, Febrile Seizures, Life, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Reflection, Uncategorized
Tags: Afraid, Babies, children, life, parents, Seizures, Sick, Worried
So my son is sick again. He is turning 3 in two weeks. He is prone to febrile seizures.
The last time he had an episode was hours before he turned 2 then he had mini-seizures in his sleep. Like two more times. Now he caught a virus from daycare which would normally set other children back 24 hours. Fever and vomiting. For him, having a seizure is a constant threat hanging low over his head. At least for me. His father is stronger than I am.
I am fighting my own demons.
I am constantly watching his monitor. Even at night. It’s a sick obsession.
I have joined support groups on Facebook that are made up of parents who are struggling with febrile seizures attacking their babies. When I first joined, I read about the sad story of a 3-year-old who was taken from this life by a seizure. It was debilitating. The story and the mother and her advocacy and trying to understand was beyond hopeless. My anxiety increased when I read that story and I started researching even more. There is no known cure nor prevention of febrile seizures. It seems the medical community has just accepted it as a “common event” for children and they “will grow out of it by the age of 5 or 6”.
What?! I can’t sleep out of fear and incapacitating anxiety for 5 or 6 years????
As a mother of a baby who suffers from seizures, I have to confess, there is nothing worse than seeing it happen. The pronounced shakes, the foaming at the little mouth, the whole-body stiffness, the exhaustion afterwards and he does not even know what is happening. I read other parent’s encounters on Facebook and I write them comments to support them but it’s not good enough. I went to therapy and I paint, knit and even write songs but it’s not therapeutic enough.
We need more research about this. We need to give parents better ways to cope with this. I was told in the Emergency Room by the doctor who finally got around to seeing my son, 5 hours after his seizure- that even Tylenol and Advil and controlling his temperature will not stop a seizure.
So what will?
I wanted to let you know that my son is sick. It’s not a visible illness and it’s not chronic and so many parents tell me to be thankful that it’s not leukemia or a disease that is terminal. Yes. I am grateful. Yes I realize that this may or may not kill him. I know that seizures, on the broad spectrum of what can go wrong are fairly and legitimately unconcerning but…
I STILL HATE THEM!
I hate them every time they occur. Every single second that my son’s body is out of his own control with his eyes rolled up. Every time that he is not “conscious”. I hate their powerful hold over him and over me. I hate how scared I am and how tired he looks afterwards. I hate the fact that he has to get them. I hate not knowing when and how he will get them. I hate not being told that they can be deadly. I simply hate it all.
Despite the fact that they may outgrow the seizures, we will never forget the misery, the worry and the pain of seeing our child this way. Febrile seizures are killing our insides a little bit at a time. There is numbness on the edges of my heart.
I still pray but inside me I am filled with rage and frustration.
I question why certain children get it. Why others don’t? There has to be some research done on precursors- a gene, a chromosome, a virus, a predisposition, something.
There has to be an answer. This is incredibly hard. I can’t explain nor describe the sickening feeling of dread and tight knots in my belly as I watch him on the monitor tonight. It’s like waiting, and knowing, that something really bad will happen.
It’s being ready with clothes on in case you need to go to hospital or call 911. It’s having a packed hospital bag hanging off your stairs banister near the door. It’s having more than 10 bottles of Children’s Tylenol and Advil and Motrin everywhere. It’s the constant, gnawing, persistent and ever-slow tapping on your nerves. It’s the fervent prayer in the night as you sleep with one eye open while the other watches and counts every rise and fall of the chest. It’s my palm on his chest to check his heartbeat. My heartbeat. We are one and we are connected. I don’t know if I can do this.
If you are reading this and you know how it feels, please know you are not alone. It may be common but that doesn’t make it easier. It may be minor but that doesn’t make it any simpler for us to digest or comprehend. It may be transient or temporary but it is no less traumatizing.
I am left with PTSD as a result of his seizures. I am always anxious and scared to be away from him. I hate the fever/seizure watch with a passion.
I am but a former shadow of myself. I used to be brave and so strong. Now, I am fearful that I will lose one of the sweetest gifts God ever granted me.
Please keep me in your thoughts. And keep him in your thoughts as well.
Like this:
Like Loading...
02 Jul 2017
by smartignani
in Children, Development, Family, Fatherhood, Goals, Growing up, Life, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Reflection, Toddlers, Uncategorized
Tags: advice, Babies, child, children, dad, daughter, Decisions, development, Family, father, fatherhood, fathers, God, humour, husband, inspirational, inspire, kids, life, love, mom, mother, motherhood, mothers, normal, Parenting, parents, themes
This is a short compilation of recent mommy moments that I feel the need to share with the world.
- My three year old still thinks that hairplanes depart from the hairport.
- My 19 months old son will randomly go up to dogs anywhere and start bopping up and down – dancing to an imaginary song in his head. Dogs usually love that.
- I spelled out to my husband, very quickly, that a friend is trying to get p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t and my 5 year old immediately asked – “Who is trying to get pregnant mommy?”
- My three year old came up to me and said “Mommy, I love you as much as pickles” then walked away. She doesn’t like pickles that much.
- My husband did the laundry which was awesome. My toddler wore my underwear on his head when someone rang the door and he came running up. Not awesome.
- My five year old exclaimed loudly, in public, “Mommy why is that man screwing around?” as she pointed to a gentlemen who was fixing a chair with a screwdriver.
- My toddler is frustrated that the TV is not touch screen. He can’t swipe anything. So frustrating for him. There are tiny fingerprints literally ALL OVER our TV screen.
- My 3 year old likes to watch TB and often tells people in random places “I love my TB.” As people noticeably and justifiably back away.
- My 5 year old broke down today because it was so hot and said- “I am dehydrated mommy- are you trying to kill me? Hydrate me please, that is all I ask!”
- A magician at a small party asked the kids, what do you breathe out into the balloon- all the kids shouted “air” but my 5 year old declared “Carbon Dioxide!”
- My toddler keeps running away from imaginary people who are trying to tickle him. He then chases same and says “Tickle, tickle, tickle” I think he sees the unseen.
- My 3 year old will sit down for breakfast and have a bowl of cereal then a bowl of oatmeal and then desperately ask “Do we have any more Eggos?”
- My 5 year old blamed mommy when she got in trouble at school, stating and I quote “My mommy made me this way. This is how I was born.”
- My toddler physically removes and carries really heavy items out of the pantry then cries because he doesn’t know how to put them down.
- When asked who she loves more, mommy or daddy, my 5 year old daughter proudly and confidently asserts “God”.
I can’t be prouder and they can’t be more beautiful in my eyes. Thank you Lord for blessing them. Please share your moments if you like!
Smartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
30 Aug 2016
by smartignani
in Babies, Changes, Childcare, Children, Development, education, Family, Fatherhood, Goals, Growing up, Kindergarten, Life, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Potty Training, Reflection, Tantrums, Toddlers, Transitions
Tags: Babies, Child-Rearing, childhood, childhood development, children, development, discipline, families, Family, father, fatherhood, fathers, kids, mom, moms, mother, motherhood, Parenting, parents, Pegnancy, pregnancy, son, toddlers
I wanted to write this for a while but I don’t think I have enough hours in the day. With three active children under the age of 5, I am like a feather caught in a whirlwind torpedo of activities: potty training, teething, tantrums, tucking in, tickling, travelling and tumultuous transformations. But I am still holding it together… I think.
I am sure o
ther parents can see the wild look in my eyes because I haven’t slept in 6 years or the suspicious glances flicked at me because each of my children including the baby have a bump or scratch (all self-inflicted, I assure you). I am positive that other moms are looking at the way my 5-year-old crosses her arms and stomps and yells “NO! Mommy- I don’t want that!” and thinking that she is spoiled and lacking in discipline. Or shaking their heads when my almost 3-year-old decides to pick her nose and eat it (gross, right?) because we don’t correct her (which we do every time) and that she will forever be a perpetual proboscis picker.
Here is the thing… I don’t really care about what others are thinking or feeling or perceiving or believing. My world is centred on my children whom I know intimately since the moment of their first wail into the world.
I was at the mall the other day and in the little play area and I saw a mother struggling with her toddler while trying to jiggle her baby on her shoulder. She was getting so frustrated and her cheeks were flushed and her baby was getting quite stirred (literally and figuratively) because she was over-jiggling. The two moms next to me were talking about this particular poor soul and saying the following:
Lady 1: “Oh my, that little girl is NOT happy!”
Lady 2: “Mom needs to get a handle on her before X (her own toddler) sees that behaviour and starts to copy it!”
Lady 1: “Some people just don’t know how to control their kids! It’s because she decided to have a baby, the little girl is probably needing attention”
Lady 2: “Exactly! This is why I am spacing mine apart. Exactly for that reason”
At this point, I had enough. I huffed really audibly as I stood up and I spared them one sneer and a quick “You are far from perfect yourselves ladies!” and then I confidently and quickly approached the mom of the melting down toddler and shaken baby and softly said:
“It’s ok, mine do the same thing. My 2-year-old is in there playing happily, for now, can I offer you a hand? I have a baby too but he is sound asleep, would you like me to carry your little angel while you deal with your baby girl?”
The relief that washed over the mother was indescribable. She hesitated for about one second then she gave me her baby. I stood there making googly eyes at the baby and she calmed down and started to give me the sweetest smiles. I was singing her silly songs and dancing with her while her mom was dealing with her sister. The lady told her 2-year-old that she will get some Skittles if she just calms down and tells her what is wrong using her big girl words (we do the same). The toddler stood up and in between bouts of tears and noisy, wet sobs proclaimed, “I pooh”. Profound declaration but adequate explanation of her crappy disposition (pun intended).
Mom told her that it will be ok and that she will change her. Toddler hugged her and looked up and me. I smiled and I handed the baby back to mommy informing her that she will have to change two poopy diapers and that I know exactly what that is like too. She took the baby and the toddler and went to the family washroom. I walked back to the main benches where judgy lady 1 & 2 are sitting and I wedge myself right next to them. My daughter is standing aside as one of their sons shoves another child off the climbing thingy. Lady 2 who was afraid of the toddler’s behaviour affecting her angelic son turns to her friends and says “He is so assertive- isn’t that cute?”
Wow. Perceptions.
I turn to her and gently respond:
“That is not being assertive, that is called being aggressive. Assertive is standing up for yourself and giving your opinion but what he is doing is pushing and shoving other children out of his way. That is being aggressive. So is judging a mom who is in the middle of a toddler meltdown. You should really stop and look at your house made of glass before you start throwing rocks!”
Yup. That happened. True story. I did say all that.
I expected a fight. I expected cursing. I even expected her to punch me in the face.
Instead, I got a teary and ashamed lady who quietly said “You are right. He is a little terror and I don’t know what to do with him? What should I do? He is our only child and I am having a terrible time bearing another child. I am scared that he will be the only child and that he will become a bully. I was bullied in school by a boy. I don’t want my son to be that way.”
Ah, what? What just happened? This, I did not expect.
I proceeded to spend the next hour with this lady and her friend who felt equally ashamed and mom of toddler and baby at the special play place at the mall. After the apologies and the brief discussion about how we should be kind to one another and stop the judging because we ALL need help, we started discussing strategies and parenting tricks that worked for each of us.
My toddler and the baby got tired and hungry and wanted to leave but I certainly did not. We agreed to meet again soon and we even exchanged contact information. We went from being four strangers waiting on their kids to play to four friends who joined the same Mommy Facebook Group.
It was super cool and I even got to hold the little ray of sunshine baby girl again while the lady I helped held my baby boy. All around awesomeness.
Moral of the story:
STOP judging other moms. Get off your butt and help. You are not perfect. Your children are far from perfect as well. The only perfection is founded in our humanity. So like Ellen DeGeneres says “Be kind to one another”.
Love,
SMartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
16 Jun 2016
by smartignani
in Babies, Changes, Children, Development, Family, Fatherhood, Growing up, Kindergarten, Life, Maternity LEave, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Reflection, school, Toddlers, Transitions, Uncategorized
Tags: Babies, Child-Rearing, childhood development, children, dad, dads, daughter, development, discipline, families, Family, father, fatherhood, fathers, humour, kids, life, love, mom, moms, mother, motherhood, Parenting, parents, son, toddlers
Some days I feel really accomplished and others…not so much. I have really enjoyed this maternity leave particularly because it is my last. It also helps that I sold my businesses so I am free to enjoy motherhood to the fullest extent.
Of course, there was that stint of anxiety and bout of despair when my mom was dying in the ICU (she recovered thank God) and since then, without fail, one of my three kids has been vitally ill on any given day. But overall, I am doing more enjoying than fretting and that is an accomplishment.
My life has drastically evolved since the third child. Ok, who am I kidding? It has been revolutionized. I feel like chaos can really be a way of life now. I sit back sometimes and I just laugh at the absurdity of everything. For example, last week on a Saturday, my eldest accidentally head-butted the baby which caused a stream of tears and a very angry cry while my toddler ran face-first into the wall and ended up with a bloody nose – all at the same time. This all happened in the blink of an eye. Everyone was crying. I was laughing hysterically, like an evil scientist who openly relishes the sound of children’s cries. Sometimes to ensure your sanity- you just have to laugh at it all. Everyone was fine and with some tissue paper for the bloody nose, a few cuddles and tickles for the head-butt injury and a gentle “It’s ok honey, it was an accident” – everyone was fine.
I wanted to take a minute and just say this… am I the only one who feels like I am back in high-school and trying to fit in when I go pick up my daughter from kindergarten? Parents can be really clique-ish- no? I was waiting outside today and I looked over to find two moms talking quietly. I waved and said “Hello” and it was an audible “Hello” not one of these mousey, shy “Hellos” – know what I mean? Anyway, one mom just gave me this contrived smile and the other ignored me altogether. Wow. Maybe I’m just not cool enough to talk to them. Maybe they are hating my new hairdo. Maybe I offended them with my strong and confident “Hello”… I don’t know. All I know is, I have a choice not to get too obsessed in wanting to be accepted because at my age- I don’t care what others think of me. I know that makes me sound awful but truly- if you are going to judge me and not even get to know me then it’s your loss- not mine. Because I honestly think I’m a pretty awesome person! There. Take that. On to more important things…
I am on a mission to shed the pounds I gained in my three pregnancies. I gained quite a few pounds so it’s taking a while. I’m close to starving all the time but I am too scared to stop because the doctor almost guaranteed Diabetes if I don’t shed the weight. I find it easier to remain on course when I think about my kids. I want to be there for their graduations, weddings, and maybe even for their own kids. I don’t want to be the old, fat mom who looks 20 years older than she really is. What will the clique-ish Lululemon moms at the school think of me and my fat “hellos” then- huh?
My eldest daughter is taking oral laxatives behind my back. I swear the kid never shuts up. I love it but I hate it at the same time. She’s so interesting and everything she says is adorable but when I’m trying to actually get her moving, it’s next to impossible. She is not a multi-tasker. She was gifted with the gift of gab. I can’t believe how much she talks. And here I was wondering if her language skills will develop because she wasn’t really speaking by the age of 2.5. Really? I shouldn’t have worried. I am hoping my middle daughter will NOT learn to speak until she’s 5. That way, I won’t have competing trance-talking going on. It’s too funny. I can tune her out and she will just keep on talking and yakking. Then she will stop sometimes and ask “Right Mama?” but I have to be careful. What am I agreeing to? So I say “Which part is right?” See? Sneaky, smart, strategic momma is at play here. I mentally pat myself on the back when she replies by reiterating the last phrase that needed confirmation. I’m in the clear. I will either agree or correct her thoughts and then the droning will begin again. Sometimes, I drift away in my mind about my to-do list or a recent commercial I saw or how I need to cut the baby’s toenails because he is quite literally growing them out like some gross racoon paws and then I suddenly hear her say something like… “And then I’m like CRAP DUDE, why are you being such a donut and he says because you are short like a hobbit and I’m like I don’t even know what a hobbit is and then I walk away but my shorts are dirty because of the grass on my butt. Butt is a funny word. Did you know another word for butt is ash. Today I heard this big kid call his brother an ash-hole. That’s funny- right momma?”
Me: “No Sweetheart, Ash is not a nice word and it’s not funny. That boy should not talk to his brother like that. God wants us to be kind to one another and not call each other names”.
Her: “So how come daddy calls me a Hoggler and my sister a Donut and my baby brother Stinky?”
Me: “Daddy is just joking with you and none of those names are rude.”
Her: “Ok. Any way so today in school I….”
And on and on and on and on and on. Phew, close one. Note to self- talk to the hubby. Tell him the story- and laugh about it later!
My middle kid is temperamental, defiant and intelligent. Every trait she picked up from me. I’m not ashamed to admit the truth. She looks like me, she yells like me and most of all, she’s got this low, manly laugh like me! When I was younger, I would answer the phone and my voice was so deep, people would think they are talking to my dad. So it’s either my poppa sounds like a woman or I had the deep, vibrato voice of a man. Until now, when I wake up and try to talk, I sound like my husband. It’s ok, I’ve come to terms with this quirky attribute. Let’s leave it there. Maybe that’s why the moms at her school won’t talk to me? I must be confusing them with my manly, confident “Hello”. Oh well…
The baby is the best. He’s like a good book, I can’t put him down. Lately, my favourite thing to do in the entire world (which is hyperbolic at best since it’s not but let’s go with it) is making him giggle. Is there a better sound in this universe than a baby’s heart-felt giggle? If you say yes, then you are heartless or need to go get yourself a baby and make him giggle. Don’t hate- appreciate. Besides, I have to blow on his belly and tickle his feet then motorboat his neck in order to get the full-on giggle that can be heard down the street. It’s so much work, I end up sweating and only catching glimpses of his enormous, blissful, drooling open mouth and eyes that sparkle with laughter as well. The thing is, when you tickle a baby, you have to do it quickly and consecutively.They have such short attention spans that they will literally forget you were playing with them and just move on from said activity. Then you are left saying things like “Hello” and having them not respond to you… ahem ahem…like some people!!
Finally, I would like to state my horror at how sick the world is today. I’m not going to dig too deep or go into many details but suffice it to say, I’m afraid for my children’s futures. Pedophiles, mass shootings, addictions, mental unhealth, impoverished moralities, victimized abusers, and an endless cycle of evil begetting evil. I’m sure that such things existed since the beginning of time but everyday I wake up and there is another stark reminder that our world is sick. I am sure that everything bad is known much quicker because of social media and sometimes, one just can not turn it off. I often wonder why people post all those negative things on their wall. Why not use your power to influence the friends on your list with positivism. We need more love – people. More acceptance and forgiveness. We need to set an example to our children. We need to show kindness and openness. We all bleed red. We all need to be accepted.
Except me and those moms. I’m over it. Really. Done and done.
Good night and God bless. And like Ellen always says- “Be kind to one another”.
Smartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
12 Nov 2015
by smartignani
in Babies, C-Sections, Changes, Childbirth, Children, Development, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, God, Life, Moms, Motherhood, NICU, Parenting, Postpartum Depression, Transitions
Tags: Babies, celebrate, childbirth, childhood development, children, families, Family, father, fatherhood, fathers, kids, life, mom, moms, mother, motherhood, NICU, Parenting, parents, Pegnancy, pregnancy, son
So our number three arrived last Thursday, November 5th and I couldn’t be more thrilled that HE IS OUT OF MY BODY. I am also thrilled that HE is a HE! We have two precious, beautiful girls and we really wanted a boy and so here we are.
This pregnancy, similar to my other two, was very high-risk. I am not sure why my body fights gestational activities but truthfully, I don’t think anything gorgeous comes easy. I am sure everyone experiences their pregnancies differently and I admire and envy mommies who can just go to the hospital and slip one of these babies out… me- not so much!
So I was being followed by Mount Sinai’s Special Pregnancy program for 6 or 7 different conditions including Blood Pressure and Gestational Diabetes. I was also very anxious and ended up on bed rest because of my sciatic pain which rendered me immobile. I wasn’t able to drive to work or to many places actually. Some days, I couldn’t even get out of bed. Apparently the fetus decided to grow behind my placenta (anterior placenta) and his head was right on my backbones!
Anyway, 9 months of pain and immeasurable misery at various stages and TA DA- Little Timothy was finally birthed. I was booked for a third C-section on the 13th but I started experiencing contractions on November 4th so they moved my surgery to the 5th. After being bumped 4 times because there were other cases more urgent than mine, I went in for the surgery that would surely lead me to meet the little angel who was rehearsing his circus act inside my poor, tiny uterus.
We knew it was a boy and so we were anticipating his arrival in many ways. His sisters were also very involved and his eldest, 4-year-old, would often kiss my belly and tell the baby she loved him. So sweet- right??
A few observations before I continue on the third time around for women with C-Sections- it hurts. I was really anxious because I precisely knew the pain of recovery and everything that would happen. I sweated over the procedure every step of the way and anticipated the motions and process. What I did not anticipate was how difficult or intense the pain will be the third time they cut into the scars. Was it worth it- OF COURSE but would I do it again, I think not.
I was warned by the doctor that if I have another pregnancy, things may not be so easy. *Choking on sarcastic laughter* EASY? When did I ever have an easy pregnancy really?
My third child also terrified me. I had two other babies who were whisked away to the NICU for varying reasons (per my old posts) and I was shaking with the knowledge that this one surely will be taken away too…
My fears were realized soon after Timmy was born with fluid in his lungs. As sure as the sun rises, they whisked him off to the NICU in order to put on the ugly elephant-like machine called C-PAPP to help him regulate his breathing. Once again, I had to be wheeled into the recovery room alone as I watched all the other mommas coming out of their sections with their healthy, little, blanket-wrapped bundles of joy.
I was heart-stricken and heartbroken. I felt so inadequate and started blaming myself for my inability to create perfect babies like everyone else. Postpartum depression starts right then for me…
I was recovering in one of the postpartum rooms and at 3 am, I called the nurse, woke up the husband and had them wheel me to my precious little boy. Sure enough, he had more wires attached to him than a complex robotic machine. He was breathing erratically and poked on his little newborn feet. The IV was attached to his right foot and his left foot had cotton with band aids where they prick him to take blood samples. Even after two other births of babies in NICU, I still wasn’t prepared to see him like that.
I knew that this hospital had a very high level of care. I understood that they needed to intervene as soon as possible to resolve this. I heard them tell my that this is common and will go away. I listened intently and asked informed and educated questions because the same happened with his middle sister. I was wheeled back to my room and that night all I can think about was one thing… I still have not held him yet.
I kept hearing babies on the floor crying and saw daddies walking around to calm their newborns. I stole a glance at my sleeping husband next to me and started to question what he must be thinking. I was wondering if he was starting to feel like me… numb.
Day 2 was no different. Hearing varying stories from varying experts on his recovery time. He needed to be observed for at least another 24 hours but that afternoon, I was able to finally hold him and try to nurse him. I was so excited to feel him next to my skin and see his tiny cherub face with squinting eyes directed towards me. I had forgotten how fragile newborns are and at the moment, I found peace. He opened one eye and looked at me then trustingly sighed and nuzzled closer to my breast.
I was whole then. Complete.
Next day in the afternoon, our little Tim was released to our care in my room. I couldn’t put him down in his cot. I had him sleeping on me and feeding and I just held him tight and kissed him over and over again. I couldn’t get enough of his smell or his warmth.
It is day 7 now and I am still the same way. As I type this, he is sleeping soundly in his playpen. Angelic and peaceful. I can’t thank God enough for his blessed gift to us in the form of our son. The girls adore him. They kiss him and try to hold him. I observe their interaction with him and tears instantly appear in my eyes. I feel so blessed and so much love.
The story closes here… for now. Despite it all, I am so happy now. Exhausted and in pain but overjoyed at our little family unit. I wish all moms out there and those inspired to become moms all the best in their journey towards parenting.
We will surely be going through a similar experience soon since we already discussed the eventual adoption of more little ones to our family. I am doing some research now which I will report on in my blog if my readers wanted to adopt as well. I can learn and you can learn with me!
Ok, I have to go now and feed my little one. I will be writing an entire blog next time on the miseries of breastfeeding since this is my first time successfully nursing.
Until next time,
Smartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
16 Nov 2014
by smartignani
in Babies, Changes, Childcare, Children, Daycare, Development, Family, Fatherhood, Growing up, Holidays, Home Daycare, Moms, Motherhood, NICU, Parenting, Potty Training, Toddlers, Transitions
Tags: Babies, children, dad, daycare, father, life, mom, mother, Parenting, parents
Change.
Constant and continuous. I can’t explain how I feel except to say there is constant change in our lives.
We decided that the existing home daycare was not working because the lady is done at 5 pm. No exceptions. So I returned to my maddening search to find another suitable environment for my two little girls. Found another home daycare but this one has an ECE who is strict and all about routine. Far cry from where they came from- namely an amazingly loving lady who allowed for their personality to emerge and for them to set the pace of when they sleep and when they play. So we are transitioning and set to start tomorrow.
We were supposed to hire a live-in nanny. With our work hours (after-school care), it made sense. We found one. She was great. We gave our three weeks’ notice to their daycare and the same day in the evening I was texted by the nanny… she received another opportunity.
Wasn’t meant to be I guess.
I have accepted a small short-term assignment with my old work. We own two businesses and on top of it all, I am itching to have another baby. WHAT? I know, right. Well, my thinking is, if you are on a ride for your life, might as well do what you have to do so you don’t regret doing it- get me?
I have not blogged in ages and I miss it. I will have to do this again because it helps me verbalize my thoughts. I am sure other families out there are equally busy and I know that I am grateful for every millisecond of my life. I think I just need to do one thing routinely so that it can counterbalance the constant shift in circumstance and endless need for decisions.
I will start to exercise. I already pray incessantly. I will do something different that is both calming and healthy. I will give my man a hug. Hold my children a little tighter. I will do all these things…
…right after my nap.
Until next time,
Smartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
06 Mar 2014
by smartignani
in Babies, Changes, Childbirth, Childcare, Children, Daycare, Development, Family, Fatherhood, Growing up, Holidays, Home Daycare, Maternity LEave, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Potty Training, Toddlers, Transitions
Tags: advice, Babies, celebrate, childbirth, childhood, childhood development, children, dad, dads, daughter, development, discipline, families, Family, father, fatherhood, kids, life, love, mom, moms, mother, motherhood, Parenting, parents, toddlers
There is nothing more painful or exhilarating than successfully potty training your child. You feel like you won an Oscar or climbed the highest mountain. The sense of achievement you felt the day you graduated or obtained your first real promotion is no comparison… as if you did this all on your own. Then the stark realization smacks you upside the head that this is what your parents must have felt like when you did something great growing up.
I don’t think I can be a prouder mommy than when my little toddler goes – “Mommy, I nee’ to Pee pee now”. We rush over to the toilet, we pull down the pants and then… the sweet sound of freedom- aaahhhh. No more pull-ups, stinky messes, nasty blow-outs or wet pants. Sooooooooo exciting!!
I look at my toddler and see the little preschooler emerging and ask – “When did that happen?!” – hence the title. But seriously, when did she start talking in complete sentences? When did she start empathizing with me (“Awww, mommy, you are so cute- are you hurt?”) When did she turn into this inquisitive, intelligent, insanely happy child?
These past few months have been challenging but fun. I have been busy trying to re-energize my business and manage my staff that I forgot to see the little changes in my big girl along the way. This morning she woke me up a little earlier and I spoke with her and played with her. She surprised me with how much she’d grown in the past three weeks. She knows which mitt goes where. She can put her boots on the right feet on her own. She understands that letters makes sounds. She know how to sing “A,B,C,D,E,F,G, next time sing, A,B,C,D,E,F,G” (and repeat) and she counted to 20!
I am in awe of how like her father she is becoming. It is really a good thing I love him so much because she reminds me so much of him. Her mannerisms, her thoughtful moments, her sweet affection and even her expressions. No surprise since she spends majority of her time with him instead of me.
I must confess that I am also tremendously enjoying my baby too. She shows me affection in her own way. She likes to be held at night and to sleep in my arms. Sure, it makes it tough for daddy to put her to bed when he is alone with her, but there is no stronger bond and no better feeling that having her fall almost instantly asleep when I carry her and rock her. She likes to hear me whisper to her and sometimes she just strokes me with her little, tiny fist. I feel especially blessed in those moments.
In the mornings, she is the happiest little baby I know. She just plays and rocks herself and flaps her little arms like wings. Her smiles and giggles are so contagious that she just subliminally compels me to pick her up so we can snuggle and play. Her demeanor is so different than her big sister. Her moods are so much milder and she is patient, calm and very stubborn!
I love them both 100% but differently. I can’t live without either of them and I am just so full of emotion when I see either of them hit a milestone or learn something new.
Between the one baby rolling and the other one peeing in the toilet, I feel like my heart can just burst with pride right now.
Until next time,
SMartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
05 Feb 2014
by smartignani
in Babies, Changes, Childbirth, Childcare, Children, Daycare, Development, Family, Fatherhood, Growing up, Maternity LEave, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Toddlers, Transitions
Tags: advice, Babies, celebrate, childhood development, children, dad, daughter, development, families, Family, father, fatherhood, gratitude, kids, life, love, mom, moms, mother, motherhood, Parenting, parents, toddlers
So for those who know me, you know how busy I can be. I have varied interests and obligations and I thrive on being constantly and consistently booked. I don’t know why but that is what keeps me going (I sure don’t like that mommy in the image though… I wish!)
I am not complaining at all because I was blessed with so many gifts. This is one of those rare posts where I will side-step the sarcasm and defeat my natural inclination towards humour by counting my blessings.
To contextualize, two Octobers ago, I attended a wonderful feel-good session by an amazing guest speaker called Isabelle Fontaine and she told us an effective and unforgettable story about how she leveraged the feeling of gratitude to feel happy after a painful experience in her life.
So I am not taking this blog lightly (although my ulterior motive for this post is to explain why I haven’t posted for a long time, not an excuse- just an explanation).
Here are my blessings:
1) A God who is gracious, merciful, long-suffering and plenteous in mercy and compassion. And a Church that keeps me disciplined, deliberate in my faith and dedicated to the Lord (thank you SMSV).
2) A yummy hubby who loves me and spoils me. He cuddles me without asking and smiles my way when I need it most. How blessed I am with your love.
3) 2 beautiful daughters who appear to be surprisingly full of big personalities and vivacity.
4) My mom, dad, brother, sister, sister-in-law, nieces, nephews and parents-in-law (and Mike- ha ha) who support me, trust me and apparently find me worthy of their love.
5) An amazing business called Oxford Learning Centre with amazing staff and equally incredible families.
6) My best friends who supported me through the years and continue to be the solid splash of shining stars in the night sky of my day-to-day shenanigans.
7) My colleagues at work who are strong, beautiful and courageous- inspiring me to always be more than just good enough.
8) An awesome job at the Government of Canada that awaits me when I return from Maternity Leave. (The maternity leave itself is a blessing because I get an entire year off… I know my neighbours south of the border get only 90 days. Can you imagine leaving your baby so soon. My heart goes out to you- move to Canada!)
9) Every moment and every breath that I get on earth to live my life, cuddle my loved ones and realize my dreams.
10) My Car. I love my car. Oh and thank you Youtube for teaching me how to knit.
Honestly, I think that is my top 10 list so far. There is so much more but I have to say the things above and the people mentioned do keep me pretty busy!
Until next time (which hopefully will be sooner than this time),
SMartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
14 Jan 2014
by smartignani
in Babies, Changes, Childbirth, Childcare, Children, Daycare, Development, Family, Fatherhood, Growing up, Maternity LEave, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Potty Training, Toddlers, Transitions, Uncategorized
Tags: Babies, childhood, childhood development, children, dad, dads, daughter, daycare, development, discipline, families, Family, father, fatherhood, humour, kids, life, love, mom, moms, mother, motherhood, Parenting, parents, son, toddlers
Here is the thing. The truth is being a parent is not all that bad. There is a silver lining to the sleepless nights, the irritating whining, the endless crying, the anxiety, the nasty poops and the interminable temper tantrums. I will not even mention the incessant screaming, embarrassing sounds and scents or the countless hours spent coaxing, rubbing, carrying, bouncing, singing, humming, gurgling, rasberrying, silly face making to appease/please/calm/restore/distract/heal/put to sleep/make’em laugh/discipline/show them you love them.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the silver lining. Ok. So here is a list of some silly things you get to do as a parent that you could not do before (at least in public):
1) Your cartoon movie collection has now exponentially increased and surprisingly you stocked it with some classic movies that we all know junior will not even understand yet (Transformers? Voltron? Pink Panther? Felix the Cat? really??)
2) You have come to terms with the difference between what “messy” looked like before you had kids and now. A toy here or there and a book lying around your nice living room (where you greet guests) is not messy at all. As opposed to pre-children when you would dust, clean, mop and vacuum. Now we are lucky if we don’t trip over the tiny wind up car left on the floor by the stairs… there it is, I was looking for you car.
3) You realize now that naps are not a luxury but a necessity…for you. Not the kids.
4) Farting in public is so much easier now that you can blame it on the children!
5) Spit-up does not smell very bad after a couple of hours. It has a natural baby-je-ne-se-quoi scent to it that makes people lean in closer and nuzzle you.
6) Baby powder ain’t just for kids… fun fun fun for the whole family! We find remnants of that stuff in every orifice of the house afterwards!
7) You don’t really need to hang out with anyone you don’t want to hang out with for extended periods of time because junior is going to get hungry/tired/manic/restless/sleepy/gassy/thirsty/sick… you decide on the excuse because we all know that is exactly what it is.
8) You realize that your true friends are the ones who will love you and your kids even through the stage of TEETHING when your child turns into Dr. Jekyll.
9) Moms, you look at yourselves in the mirror and feel good about how thin you are compared to when you were pregnant… the little hanging fold of skin is superficial. Bio Oil makes it disappear, trust Dr. Oz!
10) You never appreciated being alone with your spouse/friends more than when you can drop the kids off at the grandparents/baby-sitters and go out finally… there is an adrenaline rush that occurs accompanied by feelings of euphoria for the temporary freedom. Seriously though, you love your kids but everyone needs a little break dude.
11) You have an excuse to get to Church a little late… and leave a little early… and eat those yummy sandwiches first.
12) You develop a new appreciation for left-over, pre-digested food and candy and juices of all kind. Everywhere you go, you seem to be finishing your child’s plate/drink/sandwich
13) You have made up the words to at least three nursery rhymes/Christmas Carols/Songs/Hymns… like seriously… who knows all the words to Frosty the Snowman?
14) You are getting to be a master at skipping pages in a long storybook without your child noticing…
15) you are memorizing by heart all the words to Dr. Seuss books
16) You are definitely checking the time every 15 minutes when you get close to bed-time and you are secretly planning what you will do in the two hours from 8 pm to 10 pm after the kids sleep. So many exciting things to do, shall I knit or take a bath or cook tomorrow’s meal or catch up on the last episode of Big Bang or just, oh look its already 10 pm and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
17) You most likely have your phone ringers off after a certain time as to not awake the kids so you really don’t talk on the phone much.
18) You recognize now how vital daycare is…no matter the cost… we will stop eating if it means 8 hours of peace and quiet!
19) You find yourself wondering the weirdest things before you go to sleep like why is the alphabet song is the same tune as twinkle, twinkle little star and who invented Sophie the Giraffe and why on earth you didn’t…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
20) After a crappy day doing whatever it is you do, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is better than getting a huge, sloppy, wet kiss from your kids or a genuine smile from your infant.
If that’s not the silver lining, I don’t know what is!!
Until next time,
Smartignani
Like this:
Like Loading...
Previous Older Entries
smartignani 