smartignani

 Listen, it is so nice that pregnant women are glorified in the media and some celebrities do look a lot better with some actual fat on their bony bodies but let me tell ya – the average woman don’t look too sexy in the final months. What’s worse, she really doesn’t feel sexy either, AT ALL!

Here is what I mean.

First Trimester, I was like OH WOW, I am having a baby. So cool. Let me try my maternity clothes on and wear a cushion where the bump will be. Can people tell just by my glowing skin and shining mane? I feel so good, so energetic, so beautiful. Uh oh, do you think my mother can tell? I am not telling anyone until the third month. No way, no how. Ok, maybe just my mommy and daddy like c’mon they need to know. Oh, I slipped and told a few very very  close friends and co-workers. But that is it! No way, no how.  Ummmm, did I just tell that lady who is a complete stranger on the elevator? Why? Why did I do that? She doesn’t even know me? I am losing my mind- seriously- chill woman, you don’t even look pregnant! People will think you are making it up!

Second Trimester, oh yeah. Have you seen this little bump I am rocking in my tight tank top and “slimming-maternity” (oxymoron) pants?! That is right! The cat is out of the bag. The belly is out of the shirt too- I am officially preggo. I know. I look better than last time. It must be a boy/girl. Whatever. The energy is still somewhat there, I have my good days and my bad days (what is up with all these random zits?) Anyhow, I will not fret. I have an excuse not to have flawless skin anymore, besides, I am too busy drowning in people’s adoration/congratulations, I am sure they don’t notice the humungous whitehead on the top of my right cheek – right? Right! No one would say anything anyway because I can now cry about EVERYTHING. Say something, anything and that opens the floodgates. It’s like my tear ducts lost all control and are eternally open and ready. I cry when I am happy, sad, frustrated and even when I am hungry. This is insane, let’s go back and focus on the belly. That’s a nice belly 🙂 ooooh, are those little flutters I feel- yay, the baby is kicking!

Third Trimester. I have a headache. You are wearing too much perfume. The baby is karate-kicking me while I am mid-sentence and I am too tired to get up and eat. That doesn’t stop me of course but boy can’t I just catch a break. My bump isn’t cute anymore- it is HUGE. Stretch marks are indicating the paths to the various parts of my body like a little roadmap. I think it is a message but I can’t read it. I am a little gassy, I won’t lie and to be really, brutally honest (as if I haven’t been already), I think there is more facial hair growing in place of the hairs I wax almost instantly. I know that this is due to hormonal changes in my body but seriously, I have a five o’clock shadow at 10 am! (I am exaggerating a little but not by much) – I am forgetting things. My largest pants are too tight after I eat. I pee a little when I laugh. My legs are achy and my ankles are slowly disappearing. I have lost count of the sheer number of times I have to go pee at night and then trying to go back to sleep afterwards. My husband is so patient and so understanding and I am so not in the mood for anything. My waking thought revolves around what I will eat next and when my next nap or sleep will be. My belly is getting too heavy and my skin is itchy. I can’t sit comfortable anymore and I feel like I am suffocating when I lie down.

I want this baby out now.

I am done.

So yeah. Third trimester- ain’t so sexy sister.

Smartignani