smartignani

I find myself distanced from old friends, parties, gatherings and events. I don’t know why. I can’t explain my need to just be home and spend time with my family. I can’t fathom why I am tired all the time and why I’m always up for a long nap when I can get one.

My life is undoubtedly busy. I work full-time; own a business and I volunteer at my church. I am an avid reader, writer and I will start attending a kickboxing class soon to stay in shape and be healthy. Between all those commitments and activities, I find myself lost in a sea of ‘chaotic’ and ‘endless’ activities. When do people have time to be good to themselves, good to their spouses, good to their children AND good friends? Am I missing a portion of the formula? Where can I find the answer to this conundrum?

I am truly blessed with family and friends. But lately, I feel like I just want to be alone. I am not sure why. I just want to play with my baby girl, spend time with my husband then go to bed. If you knew me before I became a mom, I was a social butterfly. I thrived on being around people and my life consisted of the next party/gathering/event. I fed off others’ energy and I made a point of attending each and every event I was invited to because I didn’t want to ‘miss’ anything! I actually enjoyed making my rounds and making sure that I am one who will never be forgotten. Now though…not so much.

I would actually prefer to melt into the background and just observe what is going on around me. I still enjoy being around people so you can scratch depression off the list; I just don’t feel as engaged in everything. I just returned from a 5 day business trip away from my family and I all I wanted to do was get on the playroom floor with my daughter and see her smile at me as she shows me all her new moves and all the things she’d learned in the past week! I am glad to be back but October seems already packed with events to attend.

Between Thanksgiving, my mom’s birthday, three friend’s birthdays, my own birthday, my wedding anniversary, and Halloween; I am feeling a tad overwhelmed. We have commitments everywhere and all the time and I suddenly feel a little pressed for time and a lot empty on energy. It is also a challenge to find someone who can watch our baby girl. We don’t want to put the grandma’s out and use them left, right and centre. They do have their own life too. So it is definitely getting tricky! I need to navigate carefully because I care about all the people and all the events that result in our invitations but I also need to balance my life because I feel like it is spinning out of control.

I am not sure if it is the time of year or the ever growing need for my attention from my baby girl, but I think I need a break of some sort. I am not certain about all the changes taking place in our lives and I feel a little unstable. However, leaves are changing colours and falling to the ground to make way for snow and frost on the tree branches. With every season comes the constant need to ‘fall’ and ‘renew’. With my family by my side, I am always ready for change but sometimes I wish that everything can just pause for a while so I can just enjoy the stillness…

Smartignani