smartignani

I blinked and before you know it my little baby is turning ONE! What?! Whoa!

And…and…and…I am back to work full-time while she gets dropped off by daddy to daycare- I know right. INSANE!

We also took off for 11 days to Europe and left here with family (see earlier blog for context). How was it you ask? AWFUL!

Ok. I really loved being with my hubby and I love Europe but the constant feeling of melancholy and sadness stemming from missing her was unbearable. Half way through the cruise I felt a sudden and strange urge to abandon ship and swim across the Mediterranean to the sandy, polluted shores of Lake Ontario just to see and hold my baby girl. It was INSANE how much I missed her. I missed her scent, her voice, her expressions, her movements, her eyes, her smile, her drool, her farts and even poopy diapers. I missed it all. I kept texting home to see if she learned to walk or talk or giggle or stand unassisted. I was like a mad woman and it must have seemed to my family as if I don’t trust them but in truth, I was just feeling God awful for leaving. So how was my trip? How about you answer that!

I got back and I imagined a reunion with Chariot of fire playing in the background, slow mo running towards each other (well she crawls, I run) and she is finally saying “mama” and meaning me (she calls everything mama some days). Reality: She was napping. I waited by her crib. She opened her eyes. Smiled and tried to go back to sleep. I carried her out of the crib and kissed her until she started screaming. My husband gave her hugs and kisses as well. We go downstairs and I could swear she crawled from me to him and back almost 50 times. Laughing each way. It was better than I imagined. Magical. Almost made me want to leave her again just to relive it- almost but not quite!

Back to the madness happening right now. She still only has two teeth. It’s almost like she just got lazy and decided two were enough. She speed crawls as if she’s in an Olympic event except my daughter likes to produce extremely unfeminine grunting noises as she moves. So attractive. She also says uh-oh like it’s nobody’s business. She drops something “Uh-oh”, she is about to drop something “uh-oh”, she loses a toy “uh-oh”, she looks at her daddy’s laptop and “uh-oh”. The other day she fell over as she was trying to stand and… you guessed it- “Uh-oh”. So cute! I love it.

I am missing out on her development because I went back to work and I hate it. My husband wakes up in the morning and feeds her breakfast then takes her to daycare. He wrote me an e-mail telling me that she learned to no uh-uh (no) through pursed lips when he tried to feed her an unfavourable cereal. That made me laugh and cry. I laughed because I could just see her trying to push daddy’s buttons and I cried because I wasn’t there taking 15 million photos and a video as well. I know that going back to work was a necessary decision and that most likely I will try for another child and go on mat leave again but this sucks.

High points: I enjoy waking up in the morning and wearing my grown-up clothes with real accessories and dangly earrings and everything! I even wear perfume and heels! Dude…how cool is that?

Low point: I really envy the daycare provider for Julia because she gets to do the full-time job I desperately vie for!

So the verdict: live another day ad enjoy the remaining hours of the day with my baby girl after I pick her up from daycare. Two points here: one, I LOVE the smile on her face when she sees me and two, she makes it so much fun to leave work because I really look forward to picking her up.

I love my co-workers and they have been so sweet and caring. They each sense my struggle to be back at work. They ask if I am ok and they ask me about Julia. It’s like I’m a recovering addict and they’re trying to support me in quitting the habit. I guess in a way I am addicted to her. I am just glad that she is content and well-cared for while I contribute to society!

Next blog– a one year old’s birthday party (dream or disaster) STAY TUNED!

By the way, Nice in France- GORGEOUS! I really hope we go there again one day to vacation and not just as a port of call!

Good night,

SMartignani