I always loved Mother’s Day. I loved calling all the great moms I knew including my friends and friends’ moms. I loved making cards for my mom and I really enjoyed this well-deserving and well-earned tribute to one of the most influential of God’s creations. Since this is my first Mother’s Day as a mom, I feel like I got promoted and I find myself daydreaming about all the cards and pictures that I will be receiving for the years to come. This year I don’t expect much from my baby but I know my husband will have something sweet for me (no pressure sweetie, I love you anyway).
But for some reason (I know I’m not supposed to start sentences with ‘but’- grammatically horrid- but just let it go and FOCUS), I feel sad. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s a strange feeling that has overcome me. I feel like I have finally grown up and that I am no longer youthful. Yeah, I said youthful not ‘useful’. Anyway, I was just contemplating as I was lying on the floor next to my daughter who somehow isn’t sleepy a full hour and a half past her bedtime because she decided to go poopoo at this ungodly hour (I like that word-ungodly) and I thought to myself- “Can I even go on a roller coaster anymore without getting sick?” Background: I was rolling around the floor like my daughter does to make her laugh and I got dizzy. Just from rolling around on the floor. I know. What a wuss I am becoming. But (there it is again- FOCUS) I am really not usually the easy to get dizzy type- like ever. So I am getting old.
It’s official. I didn’t really feel that old because my baby can’t say mama yet, she can only blabber mamamamamamamam with no ending and I think she calls everything that (but that is inconsequential- I like that word too, it sounds ironically important despite its meaning- inconsequential). Where was I?
Yes. I am getting old. It is my first Mother’s Day and instead of being super-duper elated, I am internally anguished at the eternal loss of my ability to claim youthfulness. My mom called me and asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day and I almost cried. I want to be a kid again. I’m scared of being the mommy. I know I have been doing it for almost 10 months now but that was natural and easy (except for the waking up at night- dude, that sucked- but everything else was easy). I mean, what am I going to do when she turns to me and asks me “Mama, how do you boil eggs?” or “Mama, what is the square root of Pi?”
I am kidding of course (I boil eggs but they always crack, there is a secret to it but I’m not sure what that secret is). I can only do math up to grade 10 and I am not ashamed to say that I am really good at other things. I also declined Chemistry, Biology and Calculus in school. I was allergic. Still am.
I’m scared of being less than a mom that I want to be and less than a mom than she deserves. I’m scared I won’t know all the answers or be able to kiss away all the pain. I’m worried that she will blame me for not letting her go or letting her go too soon. I am anxious about the ear piercings, the makeup, the skirts, the hair colour and the boys. I am terrified of the idea of her dating or even liking anyone. I am especially horrified by the thought of her wanting to move out or go away to University. I am getting ahead of myself but I am entitled to share how I feel since it is Mother’s Day and I earned it!
So for now, baby steps. She taught me that. Today she learned to emulate kissing sounds. She doesn’t pucker up, just sucks in her bottom lip and releases with a big smack of her lips. I video-taped it and I even got her to repeat it for her daddy. Today she learned to kiss after many months of me trying to teach her. She is moving slowly and growing up according to her schedule. I am partially a bystander and cheerleader. I can’t wait to see her grow but I want to wait forever because I never want it to end.
As for all my fears and my imaginative yet peculiarly vivid montage of her development that is ingrained in my brain- its inconsequential. One day at a time.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” Oogway, Kung Fu Panda
Smartignani
smartignani 