Do not read-if you have not had a delivery experience yet!

I write to you from the bowels of … wait… it’s just the 4th floor of the hospital- Labour and delivery ward. I am in day two of trying to deliver a child. And I now know why they call it labour! Long arduous hours of work, very little pay or praise and lots of pain.

Truth is, it all started with an innocent regular appointment with my doctor yesterday morning. I went in to get the regular run through then BAM… my blood pressure was elevated. She made me wait for 15 minutes and re-measured my blood pressure- 170/100… apparently too high. She told me to cancel all my appointments and go straight to the hospital for a non-stress test (they hook you up to a monitor to measure baby movements) and a series of blood tests. I cannot pass GO and cannot collect $200 =(

This was at 9:30 am. At 11:30 am, same morning, I was escorted to a beautiful private room which is to become my labour room. I am not allowed to go home so I call the hubby and say the dreaded…ehem… the wonderful news. I have high blood pressure, they are worried about a condition called pre-eclampsia and they are inducing me. Please grab everything and come to the room.

I am relieved that my deepest, darkest desire of having the baby early is fulfilled BUT and this is a big BUT… I didn’t know it is going to be like this!

I am currently sitting on the bed on which I am slowly atrophying for the past 32 hours! I have been violated with cervical exams that were too painful to describe. I have had a hormone called Cervadil tucked nicely deep inside my private part to soften the cervix but to no end. Then today, I was treated to a small rubber water balloon that was inserted then inflated inside my poor uterus. Still, the most painful of each procedure was the innocent “cervical exams”. Oh my goodness gracious… wow… how can I describe the feeling without making you hurl the nice meal you might have had 4 hours ago…

Imagine a small pressure at first then almost a fist in the smallest hole in your body. Then it moves and you feel every movement. Yeah… it hurts… leave it at that.

The balloon was like a pap test given by a slow and slightly blind doctor. My doctor is amazing don’t get me wrong, it just takes longer and involves a catheter that stays deep inside your hoohah. The insertion is not as painful as the pressure you feel (as if you are having a panic attack or you’ve been holding off on going number 2 for a day or so)… that is what it feels like. But not entirely unpleasant.

Please… remember that I have no epidural at this point or pain meds or even laughing gas. Just a hope and a prayer.

Here is the biggest bummer… my cervix is still rock solid and apparently they need it to soften to have a baby or break water and all that. Despite it all, they put me on Petocin which is through another painful device worldly known as the IV. It has been going non-stop since 11 this morning which is a day later than I arrived, but to no avail. I am having mini-contractions but if the cervix doesn’t soften, really, it is all for naught.

At 5 pm (day two) the doctor tells me that they will stop everything and start the Petocin again tomorrow. The balloon is removed manually (yes, it is exactly what it sounds like- PAINFUL) and then there is one more cervical check. I see stars. I think I would rather have my eyelashes plucked one by one and then be tar and feathered than have another cervix check. May the Almighty Lord help humanity invent a tool that can be used in substitution before my children have children. Tomorrow she said, she will give me an epidural to… get this… be more comfortable when they do a cervix check on me. You mean they could have given it to me today??? I would have gladly taken it if I had known!

So the saga of this baby continues. It is probably easier to deliver an ice-berg from Africa than having this child right now. I ask myself repeatedly, What the HECK is wrong with adoption and how do people have more babies? Does Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones appear with the small memory loss device from MIB and flash moms??
At this point, I have begged, pleaded and yes… resorted to tears asking everyone and anyone, especially God, to help me deliver and be delivered. 3 days is too long for anyone to do anything at a time. You can’t go fishing for that length of time without doing something different! I wager you would even get tired of a vacation if you are doing the exact same thing three days in a row…

Mmmmmm… vacation… *sigh* I just came back from Aruba but I would give my first born to go back… wait a minute… my first born needs to be born first I guess… well… here goes. Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight I am pigging out on a large Quizno’s chicken sandwich and leaving you with this…

Having babies is not for the faint of heart but it is for the naively ignorant. Now I know why mothers everywhere are vowed to secrecy because human extinction would not be too unlikely if we all knew what this could be like……

SMartignani

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